My husband and I have been a couple for the past four years. He has anger management issues. He refuses to take medication or receive therapy for them, and he gets angry when you try to bring it up. He reminds me of my father when he gets angry because my father was physically abusive towards me. The littlest things would set him off, and it’s the same way with my husband. My husband always used to let me know that he thinks that men who abuse women are cowards, so I had more hope for him until last night.
I recently had a miscarriage, and it was the third one I had with him. He was very angry, and he hasn’t been himself lately. He thought the other two were my fault and made a point of telling me, so I wasn’t really surprised. Last evening, we went to his workplace because they were holding a ceremony to honor some people there. He wasn’t really talking to me, and I didn’t really know anyone, so I just stayed around the food. One of my husband’s co-workers came by to get some food and made a joke, I don’t even remember it now, and I laughed. He walked away then my husband suddenly comes behind me and says “What was that?” I said it was nothing; he just made a joke. He replied with, “You’re really testing me, aren’t you?” And then he walked away.
The ride home was silent, and he was ignoring me. When we got home, I tried to talk to him, and he just walked right past me. This is next part is my fault because I couldn’t keep it together, and I started crying. He turned around and started screaming at me to stop trying to manipulate him, and he’s really done with me. It led up to this really nasty fight where he told me that I should be grateful that he hasn’t left me after I killed three of his children and I have some nerve flirting with his colleagues after doing so. I tried to defend myself, and he started punching the walls, telling me to shut up. When I got scared and told him to stop, he accused me of making him angry because I like pushing his buttons and making him this way, then picked up a chair and threw it across the room. This normally happens when we argue, but never has he punched the walls or thrown anything. I was afraid that he was going to hit me next.
He left the house and drove off. I went to our room and cried, and I eventually fell asleep. Around one in the morning, he woke me up. He told me that he was sorry and he doesn’t know what came over him. It’s been hard because he really wants a baby with me and he really loves me. There’s a reason he married me, and he will keep me safe, but I need to stop pushing his buttons so much. He’ll fix the walls and make it up to me. I said it was okay and I was sorry too. He suggested that we make love, which is always done after we fight, but I really wasn’t up for it and just wanted to be left alone. He kept pressuring me and kissing me, telling me it would make me feel better, so I went along with it. But I felt extremely dirty afterward. He’s talking to me again and has been really cuddly today. He brought me roses and chocolate.
To be honest, I’ve never felt 100% safe in this relationship, but now it’s to the point where I want to leave and stay somewhere else for a while. But I know that would make him angry, so I cant. I have a therapist who’s told me to leave, who’s threatened to call the police unless I do it first. She told me that If I stay, he’s going to hit me eventually and I can’t go through something like that again. In the last weeks with him, I was overdosing on Xanax all day because I didn’t know what to do.
I made the decision to leave him two weeks ago, and packed my things and left while he was away on a business trip. I moved to a nearby town to live with my sister until I can get my life back together. She’s set me up with a job as a waitress while I look for work elsewhere. I believe that I suffered those three miscarriages because God knew he wasn’t the right man for me, and it’s evident in how abusive he was towards me.
I’m sharing this story with all of you so that any other woman in an abusive relationship will have the strength to leave their abuser and find a better life. You have the strength to do it.
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